Weakness

Just when I feel like I've gotten up the courage to say the things I need to say and cut off ties if necessary...

We get together and things feel right and all that goes down the drain for another day.

The Heart

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

"Humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." - Albus Dumbledore

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Ha, here I go again with the Dumbledore quotes, but seriously his words are wise if you catch them.

Why did God make our hearts deceitful? It is quite a pain to deal with, especially when our brains contradict our hearts. Our feelings are so immensely strong sometimes that it is so easy to be blinded and not see the big picture. I'm not even saying I can see the bigger picture yet, but I'm sure that at this point my heart is deceiving me.

It screams not to let go, not to give up, to hold on to the possibility of reconciliation... of happiness, but alas, my brain says Lyndsey, it's almost time to live and let go.

I intended to write more on this, but right now I'm not feeling it. For now, I just soak in these two quotes.

The Incredible Lessons of Albus Dumbledore

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." - Albus Dumbledore (In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

I literally gasped when I read this.

It was like a slap in the face, like it was blinking red light that I was meant to read over and over and over.

I do believe that Dumbledore was one of the Jesus/God characters of Harry Potter, in his infinite wisdom and fatherly love over his pupils.

So saying that, these words have struck my heart and have become words to live by for me right now. Often times when we are hurting, we can only think of the dreams that aren't possible anymore or the dreams that have suddenly seemed so much further away and of course those facts can be considerably disheartening and dare I say even depressing, but in forgetting to live, we lose ourselves even more.

So in saying this, I will not let a hurting heart hold me back. I will take chances, I will go on an adventure, and I will stop playing it so safe.

I'm relunctantly embracing this change and I will not stop living, for God helps those who help themselves.

Thank you Professor Dumbledore. I look forward to finding more and more of your wise words as I once again reread Harry Potter.

Psalm 34:18-19

Unfortunately, in going through something like this, moments of sadness and hurt creep their way into your heart.

You don't know what triggers these moments and it's hard to make them go away. So when these moments hit me, I will read Psalm 34:18-19.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:18-19

New Journey

Heartache.

It's one of those things that people are going through every single day, but you never quite grasp the intensity of it until you experience it for yourself.

No I'm not talking about, oh you broke up after 6 months, no, but after years.

Enough time where you think you know where your life is heading, you think you know who you're going to be with and you build your dreams around that fact.

Obviously, this is what I'm going through. After 3 1/2 years, I find myself single. I find myself heartbroken. I find myself lost.

So here I am.

I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of hurting, and I'm ready to start pulling myself out of this and moving on. We all say "I know this is for the better, and God obviously has other plans for my life than what I have for myself." Yes, I'm guilty of SAYING that, but now I'm fully ready to start BELIEVING that.

Which brings me to a journal about finding comfort. In myself. In my friends. In the Lord.

The most important thing to remember is you cannot travel this road alone. You're already finding yourself lonely, so you cannot overcome loneliness with MORE loneliness. So as I lay in bed last night trying to sleep with overwhelming sadness filling my soul, I texted a friend who I knew I could depend on, a friend who is a strong and faithful follower of the Lord and always looks on the bright side of life, and her spirit can always infiltrate mine.

Her words of course made me feel better. She told me she was praying for me (it's very empowering to know someone is praying for you) and didn't know how, but knew that God was in this situation and in the end my future will be so good and honoring to the Lord. And she sent this:

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

So there we go. Plain and simple. God says that if we lean on him, our souls will find rest. Ah, isn't that what I need right now. It's hard sometimes to give your problems to God because in some sort of twisted way, we want to be miserable in times like these. We want to be selfish and sad and dwell upon our lost love, our lost fantasy. Although, here plain as day, we are promised that if we come before Him, we will get what we need: restoration.

So from here on out, I'm not doing this alone. I will lean on my friends and most of all lean on the Lord, for I know he will get me through this. I may not understand now, I may have thoughts of "will I ever find someone else?" "why is this happening" blah blah blah, I know that those things are detrimental to overcoming this and I will not be the reason for my own saddness.

I know it won't happen tomorrow or the next day, or maybe not for months and months, but I will get through this and my heart will mend.

My last thought for right now is:

Ecclesiastes 4:10
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!